


Not Ready to Lose You

by PalmerBlu



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-25
Updated: 2013-09-25
Packaged: 2017-12-27 14:47:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/980147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PalmerBlu/pseuds/PalmerBlu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The call came in the middle of the night. When Reid gets hurt Morgan blames himself. He needs Reid to survive, even if he won't forgive him. It takes a tragedy to get Morgan to see that he can't lost Reid. He just isn't ready for that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Ready to Lose You

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or its characters.

The call came in the middle of the night. It broke the peaceful serenity that surrounded Morgan. With the ringing of the phone echoing throughout his home, he awakened. Only to ignore the call without looking at the caller ID. With the persistent noise gone, Morgan once again fell back into his deep slumber.  
Rays from the sun filtered into the room. Lighting every inch of space that the curtains would allow. Birds chirped outside the window as they welcomed a new day. A buzzing began to emit from the clock as the alarm went off. Morgan reached out and silenced it before sitting up and stretching. As the sheets lay pooled around his naked torso Morgan grabbed his phone to check for any missed calls. To his utter shock there were ten missed calls in his call log. He quickly scrolled through them, mentally counting off the callers. Why did Reid call me three times? And why has Hotch and Garcia also been calling? Needing to know what was so urgent that everyone had called in the middle of the night, Morgan dialed Garcia’s number. She seemed to pick up immediately.  
“Hello? Morgan, where the hell are you? What have you been doing all night? I hope that you weren’t with some one night hooker. We have been-“  
“Baby girl calm down.” Morgan had to cut her off before she continued her rant. Once Penelope got started it was hard to stop her. “Breathe and tell me what has you so anxious.”  
“Derek, its Reid.” There was a grave tone in her voice that didn’t sit well with Morgan. He just knew that something was wrong. But he couldn’t stop himself from prying the information from Garcia.  
“Garcia, what about Reid?”  
“Derek, Reid…Reid was shot last night.” Morgan’s heart skipped a beat as he felt his stomach drop. There was a sick feeling that settled over him as he opened and closed his mouth, trying to say something.   
“Garcia I’m on my way to the hospital. Call me immediately if anything changes.” As Morgan hung up the phone he jumped out of bed. Normally his mornings began with a shower, but right now there was no time. Morgan threw on a pair of grey sweats and a white tee shirt, grabbed his keys, wallet, and credentials as he slipped on his shoes, and then rushed from the house.  
The car ride was excruciating. He kept replaying his night in his head. Trying so hard to figure out how he had slept through nine of ten calls. Morgan grabbed his cell and flipped it open. He was checking to see if he had placed the phone on silent when he noticed the voicemail icon for the first time. As Morgan continued to drive to the hospital he called his voicemail placing the phone on speaker as Reid’s voice filled his car.  
“Morgan, I’m sorry for calling so late. I, I just didn’t know who else to call. It’s just that I heard a noise from the kitchen, but I think I am just being paranoid. I was just calling so that you could tell me that I am being ridiculous and to go back to sleep.”  
The Message ended only for another to play.  
“Morgan I’m really scared now. I heard something again. It was louder this time. I went to go look but all I found were pots thrown all over the floor. Something doesn’t feel right. Please Morgan call me back.”  
Morgan felt his eyes begin to water, but he couldn’t focus on that as Reid’s voice came through the speaker once again.  
“Morgan, I don’t know why you won’t answer. I really need someone to reassure me that I’m just being silly. Morgan please I-“ Reid’s sentence cut off and the sound of someone else’s voice could be heard. Morgan couldn’t hear what he was saying, but he did hear Reid hit the ground before he started to beg.  
“Please don’t do this. I will do anything just don’t. Just put the gun-“Reid was cut off by a loud gunshot and then the line went dead. The tears fell from Morgan’s eyes freely. He didn’t even bother to stop them. When the tears began to cloud his vision, Morgan pulled over. The guilt had begun to shroud him. Reid had called him for help and he had ignored the kid. Reid was lying in a hospital bed and had been there while Morgan lounged in his bed.  
Once the tears had stopped, Morgan clamped down on the guilt and pulled back onto the road. He disobeyed the speed limit as he raced to see how Reid was doing. As soon as Morgan parked his car he sprinted into the building, going up to the front desk.  
“I’m here for a Dr. Spencer Reid.” The nurse typed leisurely as she looked for Reid’s room number. Morgan was tempted to tell her to hurry the hell up when she finally began to speak.  
“Mr. Reid-“  
“Dr. Reid.” Morgan corrected her with a hint of irritation in his voice. She sighed.  
“Dr. Reid is on the third floor. He hasn’t come out of surgery yet so you will have to wait in the waiting room.” Morgan nodded as he made his way to the elevator. After waiting thirty seconds he changed his mind as his patience dwindled away completely and decided to take the stairs. He took the steps two at a time, almost tripping twice. By the time he finally made it to the third floor and found the team he was out of breath. All eyes landed on him and he felt his mouth go dry. How am I supposed to explain this? Hell what should I say?  
“I know. I know. I should have answered the phone.” Morgan grabbed the bridge of his nose as he inhaled deeply. “Can, can someone tell me how bad it is?” His eyes darted from one person to another. He could feel the tension hanging in the air. When no one responded he dropped down into a seat and began to cry. He wasn’t ready for this. Reid had yet to experience all that life had to give him. There was no way that Reid could lay in this hospital dying because of one psycho with a gun. Morgan felt an arm wrap around his shoulders and he leaned into the embrace. As the tears continued to fall he heard Garcia speak to him.  
“Morgan, he will be okay. We just have to stay positive.”  
“How do you know that?” Morgan looked up at Garcia through his tears. “How can you possibly know that he is going to be okay?”  
“Because Morgan, Reid is strong. He will make it through this.” Garcia rubbed small circles on Morgan’s arm in an attempt to soothe some of his sorrow away. It wasn’t helping though, but he didn’t have the strength or the heart to tell her so.  
“He is in here because of me.”  
“No Morgan, You cannot take the blame for this.” Hotch spoke for the first time. Once the Unit Chief spoke the rest of the team seemed to unfreeze. They circled together, trying to give each other the strength that they needed to get through this.  
“Hotch, he called me. Last night he called me three times. Each time he left a message asking for my reassurance and I, I didn’t even answer.” This is so wrong. If I had answered the phone maybe I could have done something. Maybe I could have gotten to him before he was shot.  
“Derek-“  
“No, there are no excuses!” Morgan shot out of his seat as his rage and guilt ate away at him. “I will have to live with my guilt for the rest of my life. I ignored his first call and slept through the other two! He left three voicemails on my phone. One of them, the last one, actually has the sound of the gun going off. The exact same gun that put Reid in this damn hospital! Whether he lives or dies, I will never be able to get that sound out of my head. I will never be able to forgive myself. Nothing will ever be able to give me peace.”  
As Morgan’s rant ended a doctor approached the team. “Are you all here for Spencer Reid?”  
“Yes we are.” Hotch replied since he was the only one who was actually holding it together.  
“Well he has made it out of surgery and he will be fine. We had to do a blood transfusion due to his loss of blood. He will be in pain for a while as he heals, especially since his records say that we are not allowed to give him any narcotics.”  
“Can you do anything for his pain?” Morgan spoke up because he couldn’t bear to think of his Pretty Boy in pain. When did he become my Pretty Boy? Since when have I staked a claim on Reid?  
“We can give him something that is not a narcotic, but it will probably only take the edge off. We will give it to him if he so wishes, but we do not guarantee that it will work. He will be very tired and he needs his rest so please make sure he gets plenty of it. He also should not be alone during the first portion of his healing process….just to be safe. Also, we will be keeping him here for observation for a few days.”  
“Can we see him doctor?” That was the one thing that the entire team wanted an answer to.  
“Yes you can but we ask that you not push him too hard. The last thing he needs right now is to become stressed.” The team nodded to show their understanding. They all shared one last look before they made their way to Reid’s room. When they entered some of the tension that had been hovering over them had faded. It was not that the team didn’t believe the doctor when he had said that Reid was okay, but that they needed to see him….to be close to him. As the team crowded around the bed gazing down at the sleeping figure sadness and relief in their eyes, Morgan leaned against the wall next to the door. He watched the gentle rise and fall of Reid’s chest as he breathed.   
Morgan was wrapped up in his thoughts. He looks so fragile…so broken. I wonder what he is thinking about. I hope that he isn’t in pain. I wonder if he will ever forgive me. The image that sat before him was burned into his brain. The pale look that Reid’s skin had. The needles and tubes that ran from almost every exposed surface of his body. The purple under his eyes that made him look exhausted. His hair was damp like it had just been washed. Most likely it was to remove the blood from it. The bedding covered everything below neck. Wherever Reid had been shot it was not visible right now. Morgan was thankful for that. I don’t think that I am stable enough to see the wound. That would make this all too real. Reid began to shift in the bed and the team seemed to hold their breath.   
With a soft moan that was barely audible Reid’s eyes slowly opened. His brown eyes took in the team as they all smiled down at him. He tried to speak but nothing seemed to come out. When he attempted to sit up Garcia was the person who broke the surreal trance that had fallen over them all.  
“Oh my little Junior G-Man! Don’t you dare move. You need your rest.” Garcia’s hands seemed to flutter as she busied herself trying to figure out what it was that Reid needed. Reid cleared his throat before he spoke his first word since awakening.  
“Derek.” Shock filled the room and JJ gasped. When no one moved Reid spoke again. “Where is Derek? I need Derek.” His heart rate started to rise, causing the machine monitoring him to beep insistently. Morgan moved forward with his eyes cast down. He moved to Reid’s right side and grabbed his hand. He gave a gentle squeeze that made Reid look at him.  
“Hey Kid, how are you feeling?” That’s a stupid question. He was shot last night. How do you think he feels? Morgan griped at himself in his head until he heard Reid speak.  
“Derek it wasn’t your fault.” Morgan’s head jerked up to look at Reid and then he scanned the room. He was surprised to find that the team had left the room. I didn’t even hear them leave.   
“What do-“  
“I know you Derek. We have been friends for a very long time. Every time something happens to me you blame yourself. Albeit you have never admitted that you feel guilty about it outright, the look is always in your eyes-covering your face.”  
Morgan’s voice lowered to a whisper. “What look is that Reid?”  
“The exact same one that you are wearing now. Your eyes look empty and haunted. Almost as if you have seen a ghost. The sparkle that is normally there is gone, making them look like an hollow shell. There are worry lines marring you face, making you look significantly older. You look….lost.”   
“This is my fault.” Morgan squeezed Reid’s hand again. It was a gesture of comfort. Who he was comforting right at that moment he didn’t know. “If I had answered the phone maybe I would have been able to get to you. Maybe I would have been able to convince you to leave the house. Maybe-“  
“You’re right Morgan. Maybe you could have. But you know what’s interesting about maybe?”  
“What?” Morgan was losing this debate he could tell, but he wasn’t ready to give up just yet. He would show Reid that he had messed up and that he wouldn’t do it again for as long as he lived.   
“Maybe is never guaranteed. There is no definite answer where maybe is concerned. So even if you had picked up the phone there is no way that you could have known that there was a psycho coming after me. You may be a damn good profiler Derek, but you are still human.”  
“That’s the problem Reid! I’m a profiler! I’m a FBI agent; I am not allowed to not answer my phone! Not answering could mean life or-“ Morgan couldn’t bring himself to finish that sentence. The wound was still too fresh to go down that path. But apparently Reid didn’t see it that way.  
“Death. Morgan people die every day, every minute, every second. You can’t be superman…you can only be Derek.” Reid released Morgan’s hand long enough to pat the bed telling Morgan to sit. Morgan did just that. I won’t deny him anything that he wants right now. Once Morgan was seated and his hand was firmly back in Reid’s grasp he continued to speak. “You can’t always be there to protect me Derek. I have to learn to protect myself.”  
“No, you don’t. That’s what I am here for Spencer.”  
“Morgan, don’t be-“  
“Spencer, I’m not being silly. I’m serious. You’re my Pretty Boy! I have always been protective of you and I always will be. At first I didn’t understand why. Then when I figured it out I didn’t want to believe it.” Morgan took a deep breath and then stared into Reid’s eyes. If I am going to confess something like this I am going to do it the right way. Spencer deserves nothing less than that. “Spence, I can’t lose you. I’m not ready to wake up and mourn your death. I’m not ready to see someone else sitting at your desk. I’m not ready to experience life without you.”  
“What are you saying Derek?”  
“I’m saying that I love you Spencer Reid. I’m in love with you. I have been for a very long time. I just hope that you can forgive me for the major screw up that happened last night.” There were tears in Morgan’s eyes now. He had tried so hard to hold his emotions in…to not let Reid know just how much he was hurting over almost losing him. Maybe it was better this way. Better to let it out so that his words would sink into Reid’s mind.  
“I love you too Derek.” Reid ran his thumb across Morgan’s cheek, removing the tears from his face. “And I forgive you….even though I was never upset with you in the first place.”  
“Thank you Spencer.” Morgan leaned forward until his face was just an inch away from Reid’s. He could feel Reid’s breathe against his lips. “Spencer I’m not ready for you to go. Please don’t ever scare me like that again.”  
“Can’t make any promises, but that’s okay because I know that my superman will be there to save me.” Reid smiled as he closed the distance. Their lips met in a slow sensual kiss. It wasn’t demanding or rushed, but it was passionate. It showed the love that they had kept hidden from each other for so long. Finally the wait was over.  
“By the way Derek, I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.”


End file.
